I was once told
the most honest way
the most honest way to write
and it reminded me
rhyming is overrated
and everything
I ever wanted to do is late
I’m so old that my fate
might as well be fucking fake.
I was born to die
but my life
it became so much more.
I’m a punk rock whore
and my doors are so jammed.
My ears are popping
to tell you the truth
this is no poem
no piece.
I miss you
and for the first time this year
dear,
for the first time this year
I admit she isn’t here.
7 years feels like 15.
My mouth was filled with mile
high smiles.
I still miss you
without you
my lies will never die.
You went
and I bent and cried.
I try getting over you
but,
I don’t think that will ever happen.
When you died
we were 19.
Hunny,
I’m about to turn twenty-six
and you leaving
that never fixed me.
This is
this is more than I ever confessed.
Once you died
I never came truly alive.
Who cares
All I am is dead inside.
I’ve been pondering the question to is why people think they have the right to steal from others. I know this is just because of my recent run in with a so call “nice and decent acquaintance” who took off with the two most intimate objects that are dear to my heart, but it is a legit and good question. I’ve had countless of valuable possessions taken from me. I know some of it was when I rented an apartment full of kids I knew all my life and kids I barely knew with candy consuming their nose and their brain, which I admit, was my entire fault. Never trust an addict, but back to how I’ve had those things taken from me. Why? I’ve never stole a fucking thing in my life, besides uppers from someone I love because I was itching and scratching for more. Not that is any kind of excuse, but I was in the darkest point in my life and I barely knew what the fuck I was doing half of that time for that year and a half and I can honestly say, I begged forgiveness after I realized the dirtiest, scummiest mistake I made and I can honestly say, after a long time of trusting me again, I think they can finally look past it. If I could, I would go back in time to reverse that mistake to its fullest.
I don’t know about those sketchy people who I know or don’t know who stole from me, but everyone I know and respect have worked hard for almost every valuable they have, so we take high pride in the things we have. Maybe I just answered my question. Maybe these people are so lazy, scummy, and full of shit that they don’t deserve the things they consider nice that they see other people have, so they just get jealous and feel like they need to take from the good people. I really don’t know where I’m going with this, but I guess what I’m trying to say is this: to anyone who has ever taken something from anyone, I have to ask, what are your reasons? What satisfaction do you get out of it? Don’t you feel like shit afterwards? I know I would, but then again, I’m not some sketchy, low life, piece of shit. I know when scum bags feel the need to steal they are just seeing dollar signs in their eyes. Well, guess what? You’re a dumb ass, because once you go and sell what is not even yours, you are never going to get even half of what it’s worth. So seriously, why even take the time and effort?
It just makes me sad. I’m a girl of peace and good manners and I always try to see the best in people. I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it, I would give you food if you were hungry, and if you needed love I will give you every piece of my heart (and I’m not talking in a relationship/sexual way. A true friendship) and I guess when I meet people I expect the same, but it usually never turns out that way and it’s tragic. We live in a world full of war, greed, and power and I wish I didn’t have to live in a world like that and I wish that my beautiful god son didn’t have to grow up in a world like that. It’s not fair and its heart breaking, but I guess that’s life and sadly it’s how we learn to trust or not trust. We’re supposed to grow up learning love and kindness and most of the time humans just grow up learning hatred and how to be vulgar. I don’t understand and that’s the biggest tragedy of all. Not that I’m not thankful, but it just reminds me to be thankful that I was raised right, raised with love, and raised to love. No matter how much people tear you down or break your heart, don’t get consumed in their evil. Don’t let them suck the love out of you.
Music, music
it’s what I think about,
talk about.
Music, music
it’s my escape
my one honest flying cape.
Music, music
it’s the one thing I can not clever and fake,
it takes me away to a better place.
Music, music
it’s the only thing that made me the happiest
but,
the only thing I never wrote about.
It is my oxygen
it is how I live
and it is how I will die.
I am not fine without it
and it is the only way I shine.
Music, music
you have never been so unkind
never broke my heart
never told me my eyes shine
as dull as the night sky.
Music, music
without you I would surely die.
Am I going through a mid-life crisis
in the midstof my mid twenties?
My head is stuck in a misty place
and I’m about to blow
a fucking lid!
My face,
it’s laced with failures.
I should just spray paint my eyes black
to represent faded life
because I do not bake
no,
not in southern air
only in Purple little hairs.
Remember when
I would take up any
any dumb ass dare?
Jenny,
I dare you to slick back your hair
take an attack on your dreams.
STOP!
Stop lying on your fucking back
it’s just making you look
like a lazy sack of shit.
Jenny,
this is your heart a-talkin
just sit down
take a hit at life
instead of the fucking pipe.
Am I going through a mid-life crisis
in the midst
of my mid twenties?
My head is stuck in a misty place
and I’m about to blow
a fucking lid!
Here am I again
telling this pen
to blame all my
1,
2,
3 MILLION failures.
Sure Jenny,
keep kidding yourself.
Admit it,
it’s just your way
of keeping the dark truth hidden.
I’m dead going on twenty-six
and my life it’s
it’s in need of some fix
maybe from fragile hands
and my head crash lands in its senses.
I sense this could be
my holy scripture to this
lonely, lonely little life.
No fight to write
no fight to love.
Oh,
how lethal little feelings
and big dreams
can be.
Am I going through a mid-life crisis
in the midst
of my mid twenties?
My head is stuck in a misty place
and I’m about to blow
a fucking lid!
I assure you
with these dead eyes
that
that these train-wrecking thoughts
these thoughts are reoccurring.
It’s pouring blood rain
through my mind,
my body
dripping pretty particles
of poison into this
this shell-shocked soul.
I’m ready to peel off my
dirty, filthy skin
like I’m peeling mold
from the hole where my heart should be.
I’m so sick
so sick of this person
that lives inside me.
Stash me in a box
hide me away in the back of your closet
because
I’m ready to be someone new
someone not me.
Am I going through a mid-life crisis
in the mist
of my mid twenties?
My head is stuck in a misty place
and I’m about to blow
a fucking lid!
High School, No School, Douches Will Always Be Douches Running There Dumb Fucking Mouths.
Posted: April 24, 2013 in You Say You Got A Problem, Kid: RantsLove me or leave me
this is me
this freak is me
and I will never give a fuck what you think
With all the friends I have
it’s like I have the whole world in my hands
loving me, accepting me for who I am
what I may become
even after all the speed bumps that may come
so say what you want
I have the world in my hands
it’s more than I could ever, ever ask for
but I’ll take it like a grain of salt from the pretty ocean floor
and never ask for more.
I was sitting here
trying to kill off all my thoughts
because I taught them
all negative
never fought it off.
My mind is just too soft
but then the thought of her
came coughing through my brain
my negatively draining brain.
She’s one of few
one of few strains of happy
I know.
I roll around,
roll my eyes,
roll the dice
at the chance of hearing
your voice tonight.
I know a lot of people
they keep my heart a beat
but they never meet
the eye
no,
not like you.
You don’t have to tell me
I assure you
I know how this sounds
it sounds like a sappy, shitty,
even scripted love poem.
I promise you,
with all the hope in my heart
it’s not.
I once tried to tie the knot
but it just came undone
an unraveled mess
the mess my heart has almost
died from
when I traded the “I do”
for nose bleeds
and then beg for more
it was the mess my heart has almost
died from
but then,
I heard your smile shine
and saw your pretty fine voice.
You may just be my
life-long life-line.
I got up
and tried that love thing
again
what an aching fucking mistake.
It all happened over again
like a hamster running a cycle
the cycle of life
I unraveled like a fucking mess
but remember,
it’s always what I’ve done best
the mess my heart has almost
died from
time and time again.
When my always and forever
walked out the door
I poured and poured
over-flowing my mind,
my liver
while I stood there with
blood pouring from my eyes
and screamed in that laughter
that killing laughter
it was the mess my heart has almost
died from
but I just held on
held on to my life-long life-line.
Yeah,
that’s you.
You are the only one
I listen to
when you’re trying to teach
me math
while the fact is I won’t
ever care
but still,
you try and you try
and that’s lovely.
No one has patience for my
uneducated stupidity
no one but you
and that’s lovely.
I guess what I’m trying to say
is
I know a lot of people
I know a lot of people
so full of love
but I’ve always felt so alone.
Everyone I love has left
but you stayed right here
never did dare to ever leave
and that’s lovely.
Everyone I love will leave
but I think you might
stay right here
never dare to leave.
Damn,
you are fucking lovely!
I guess what I’m trying to say
is I’m not brightest
crayon in the Crayola box
you teach me something new
every damn day
hey lovely,
you genius, you!
There are days I test patience
like a killer letting his prey
run, run, run
you tell me to fucking grow up
stop acting like a child
and carry on with your day.
Hey,
thanks for never egging me on
you are so lovely.
Some days I unravel into the mess
the mess
I call my mind.
I try and hide from the world
as I fall and go insane
crazy insane.
It’s like you feel the cloudy haze
From that far away
you ring, ring, ring
you don’t tell me what I want
to hear
tell me like it is
no matter how much it may make me
wanna start fight.
I guess what I’m trying to say
is you never run away
always make me see the light
and hunny,
that is fucking lovely.
